Star Crafty

And that's the first mistake I am making. Thinking everybody else is normal and I'm some socially retarded awkward-looking creature who would rather be dead than have to face that room full of judging pretty people again (See Charlie White's Understanding Joshua photo series to see what I'm talking about). But of course, this is being unfair to myself, because in other situations, actually in the majority, I am a very confident and outspoken person. I have absolutely no trouble in speaking in front of a class. I actually own that podium! My English is actually better and more articulate when I'm up there lecturing about some stupid topic. Likewise, I am very confident when speaking to people of authority, I don't ever see them as superior to me except for their rank, and that means nothing to me.

It all crumbles when you throw me into a nightclub or a party full of people I'm not familiar with. I become a shadow of what I really am. Even less than that. This helpful article allowed me identify some safety behaviors that actually worsen the anxiety, such as, clinging to a person you know all night, gripping things tightly (like your handbag, THE CELLPHONE, a drink), escaping to the bathroom, go to safe places/corners. We anxies have these, and I'm pretty sure they're quite obvious.

I don't know why I've never been able to click or make permanent friendships with the latinos at my school. It's not like I was raised in the US and got used to the American way of thinking. No. Born and raised (till 4 years ago) on Puerto Rico. I should be able to identify and befriend them easily. Then why do I not? Why do I feel so inferior and awkward and out of place whenever I unfortunately hang out with them? A few months ago my friend had his birthday party (coincidentally 2 days after mine, but nobody knew this) at his place. I didn't have any Latino friend to go with, so I just went by myself. Oh Dear. God. That was excruciating. It took me about 45 minutes to finally engage in conversations that lasted more than 2 minutes with multiple people at a time. Before that, I would just rely on my cellphone, pretending as if I had gotten a call or a text message to busy myself, or going to the bathroom or kitchen or mini-bar to just...calm down and avoid the humiliation, I guess. It was so horrible. I just.... am more myself when I speak English. Don't know why. It's very disturbing.

Over the Holidays I realized another factor into the equation: small places with loud noise. I'm sorry, I cannot hold a conversation in which I have to constantly scream like an idiot in order for you to hear me. I rather not say anything and look awkwardly around. Or at least hope there's some decent music I can sing along with. The loud music is goot to dance to, but not to have small talk. ugh. And oh god, SMALL TALK. It is very difficult for me to engage in a conversation, to make the first move, and this of course might make some people think I'm a very off-limits sort of person, which I'M TOTALLY NOT AT ALL. I am VERY friendly, but God, I cannot make that first move for the life of me. I simpy can't, I wait for the other person to do so, and then I can absolutely have a very normal and lenghty conversation. Ugh.

I mean, don't get me wrong. People like me, I know so, because they have told me so. They like the funny way I am, shy, quirky and extremely nice but unsuspectingly goofy and oh so "Puerto Rican". I don't think I'm boring, I can be pretty funny too. But not everybody sees all that, and that's because I don't let them. I'm so caught into thinking how they might be viewing me that I haven't given them a chance to actually see who the real Amy is.