Star Crafty

Eternally unable to roll my Rs (the foundation in which my Spanish language has stood upon for generations), I have been raging a battle with speech and linguistics throughout my entire existence. Knowing full well that some people are simply born shy, I have laid the blame of my introvert nature to this lovely inconvenient speech impediment. It's hard for me to talk in Spanish because it actually requires more energy (and patience) to get my message across*. Maybe I think too fast (unlikely, seeing as I am the slowest living being alive since the Galapagos Turtles, and y'all know them bitches is slow) and thus I trip on words and letters and UGH why do most words must have an R in them. Like the DREADED COMBO OF HATRED AND DISGUST, the "tr" (as in "enconTRaste") and the "dr" (cuaDRado, UGH how I abhor saying this word). Twice the hate and shame and humiliation if both join forces in one word, such as... "maDRasTRA"... (tra...tra...tra). People constantly ask to repeat myself...over and over and over ... multiply by 24 years and you can understand my issues (future boyfriend/husband/boy toy, please have patience if I get mad when I have to repeat myself to you, now you know why.. but then again, why are you so fuckin dense? Oh that's right, 'cause you're cute and dumb and I'm only using you for sex)**

In ways, this all explains why I was always the more "Americanized" of my group of friends and why I have ended up here in the US of A. There aren't any freakin Rs to roll in the Enligsh Language (unless you are a cultured, mustacchioed villain, in which case you MUST roll your Rs to show your superiority and evilness [think General Tarkin in Star Wars "We will cRRRush the RRRebel Alliance in One Swift Stroke***]). And while that is all fine and dandy, now I have to figure out what to do with this accent.

For the past five years it has been my goal to eradicate all signs of an accent in order to blend in with Americans, to avoid being prejudiced and/or stereotyped. I have listened with utmost attention (VERY dificult to do, because not only am I slow, I have the attention span of --- ooo balloons!) to how you Anglos speak, the ways you move your mouth, your hands; was delighted when my Cousin, The Actress, shared some tips from her Neutral American Accent class, such as pronouncing certain "S"s as subtle Zs or avoid speaking from your nose, since Spanish is a very nasal language, whereas English is a back-of-your-throat-sorta-thing.

Unfortunately, this rigorous assimilation has led to a very unusual consequence: I have developed what linguistics and mystics and retards alike have coined, a "Southerican" accent. And let me tell y'all something, creatures with ape heads, donkey tales and ostrich wings are nowhere near freakish as that. It is NOT hot bananas, fo' sho'. Luckily it only surfaces when I am surrounded by White Southeners (Im sorry, but I have a hard time understanding older black people), probably waiting and sweating at the Lady and Sons line when I was still employed by The Lady, or in any other professional situation. It's really bizarre****. Now, when I am casually talking to friends in English, my tongue takes a back seat and shifts to Rican mode, meaning I'm still talking in Puerto Rican (really cuz our shit aint Spanish, is something else entirely) but with English words. Thus, I am heavily accented. But not as much as when I am talking to foreigners and I fall into a very charming accent. It's very strong and tends to mimic the speech pattern of the person I am talking to. Basically it stops being a Puerto Rican/Spanish accent and becomes a European accent. This excludes situations in which the person hails from Great Britain. In that case, I straighten up my body and engage in my best Neutral American, in order to show those stuck up Brits that we are not a lot of heretic, cannibalistic, indignant, tobacco spittin' morons.

In all honesty, I have no idea why the freak did I just spent a whole hour detailing the charming history of Amy Nieto's linguistics. I guess I wanted y'all to remember why you love me so much. And for those of you who haven't had the exquisite pleasure of meeting me in person, or those of you who have only heard me talk when I am drunk off my Rican ass, I hope I have provided an insight, a window into the radical workings that make up the HOTAWESOME person I am. Thank you for joining us, my friends. Good night. *****

*Actually, thinking about it, we Puerto Ricans have a shady love/hate relationship with the R. First of all, we're lazy motherfuckers and we prefer to pronounce the L in place of the R, as in "amol" or "jodel" or "puelto rico", as it all requires less energy and we can concentrate more on our loud ghetto ass music and the cold cheap beer in our hands. Secondly, growing up in the South West portion of the island (the farthest region from San Juan, the capital), our ancestry can be rooted to some Europeans settlers and pirates (Dutch, French and even Croatian, where part of my family comes from) who evaded Spanish authorities by hiding in this area back in the good ol 17th century. So our R is subtly, slightly different than say, someone who's entire family has lived in San Juan. We scratch our Rs (think of how the French pronounce THEIR Rs) instead of rolling it. Which I think it's the most quaint thing ever.... .... But mostly, we're just lazy motherfuckers.