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January 31, 2009
The State of Being Single - A Stupid Thesis.
At the risk of turning this blog into an emo-heavy LJ journal, certain mathematical figures often materialize in my brain. I have been single for 301 months out of the 321 months I have lived in this Earth. Granted, ages 1-12 were out of the question; as were ages 12-14 when my attention relied heavily on Star Wars novels, Seaquest, and Guns N' Roses; and finally ages 15-17 found a grand-scale prohibition of any teenage romantic entanglements (gee thanks, mom, Siegfried wasn't that dangerous or anything) that would interrupt my ever-so-important education.
So to be fair, and again to avoid turning this into an emo post, I've only been in "dating age" for the past 105 months, out of which 20 have seen me engaged in two official relationships, respectively. Which by the way, were ended by the respective boyfriends. Outside these two official fantastically failed relationships, I "dated" this one guy from Hilton Head for about three weeks, and had a fling with the love of my life for a month prior to moving to Vegas in '07. And... that's it. Out of all my high school friends, I'm pretty much still the only single one, as my best friend got engaged (yay!) just a few months ago. We must not forget I moved to Portland, OR, which apparently is the last place to go to for dating. It seems EVERYBODY in this town is hitched, engaged or lovingly in love (and honestly that's a good thing - I love seeing love).
Amy Nieto, The Token Single Girl. I like the sound of that.
But worry not, despite all these numbers and figures and statistics, I am not in misery. At this moment in life, quite the opposite. The past years saw a few tearful nights, but that loneliness has turned into an actual introspective, anthropological, sociological study of WHY am I single. (I make a strenuous effort to avoid asking WHAT went wrong in the previous relationships for I am afraid of what I might discover about myself.)
So why. Do I value my free time that much that my body language blocks, quite possibly subconsciously, any interest from potential males? After all, I DO work part-time AND am trying to build a business PLUS I have to cook, clean, fold, shop by myself. Bah, I don't have time for men, I find myself proclaiming over and over again when asked why "such a lovely girl like myself" is not married. Do I really not have time for men? Really, Amy?
Is it because my mother was/is so fiercely independent from men, after our father abandoned us, that that was ALL I knew? Is it because I don't know any better? I don't know what it's like to NEED men? I needed men for a while, when I could just not open spaghetti sauce jars on my own. Now I can, thus losing all need for men (still undecided about having children, so...). Is that what it is?
Speaking about my father abandoning us, is it because that abrupt absence cratered such a strong impact in my relationship with men that it has cultivated a fear of abandonment? Fear of engagement? Fear of...failure? After all, my only two official boyfriends dumped ME. Despite what friends may say to the contrary, I often believe the bulk of the fault laid on me. So... do I fear failure so much that I opt to remain distant and simply friendly to men?
As I previously mentioned, my BFF got engaged last year. I have photographed two of my friends' weddings. I WORK in the wedding industry, for Chrissake. Do I see this type of commitment as a sign of weakness? That's not true, I've never been the archetypal 90s feminist who believes marriage is slavery. No. That's not it.. it's something else. Fear of SETTLING DOWN. That's it. From the ages of 0-18 I lived in 9 houses, 7 dorms/houses between the ages of 18-26; five cities; two colleges; two different majors. Seeing a pattern here? Am I afraid of "settling down"? Am I afraid of engaging in a commitment that might end up being long-term? Aside from the love of my family, I don't have a big grasp on things that are long-term (oh except for TV shows - watched X-files from beginning to END - yes, even the bad seasons).
Needless to say, I have never been the kind of girl who is DESPERATE to find a boyfriend, because somehow she is not complete without one. Never been, nor will I ever be, no matter how desperate things may seem. THAT is a sign of weakness.
Don't get me wrong, I am REALLY in no rush to don a white dress and walk down the aisle {honestly, I am TOTALLY considering choosing yellow as my color}. And don't get me wrong, I am super happy for all my friends who are so in love, and for all the clients I photograph whose love radiates so strongly. Don't get me wrong, I heart my occasional romantic comedy (preferably starring Hugh Grant, yes).
I just sometimes really ponder why the heck am I always the friggin Single Girl?!?! And when I DO find my one and only, can he look something like this? Or this? Pretty please with Dharma cherries on top??
See, any mention of The Hotness of the LOST Male Characters kills any emo-ness this post might have turned into.
I guess I'm just different the way I am. *shrugs*
Posted by starmagn at January 31, 2009 03:50 AM
Comments
Can I just tell you that you're not the only one? I seem to be the token single girl in my group of friends as well. It's not a bad place to be, as you know, just . . . different. And sometimes frustrating.
So, I feel you on this issue. Totally.
Posted by: Shannon at January 31, 2009 12:56 PM
Amy, you are an excellent writer. I truly enjoy your blog and wish I could be as candid as you are. thanks always for sharing your thoughts!
Posted by: Amy Olson at February 1, 2009 01:29 AM
You are way to sweet and smart to worry about Mr. Right or for that matter, even Mr. Right-Now. Trust me when I say this -- he is out there. He just hasn't found you yet. Before you even realize it....you will be smitten with love and perhaps even picking out your own Yellow Dress!!!
Posted by: Janet at February 2, 2009 03:45 PM
Just stay single. I personally feel blessed that I'm single now: no pressure, no responsibilities, no bs. It's the best choice you'll ever choose.
People say that love is a good experience to have. Sure, whatever, but I would say that getting into the college or job of my choice was definitely more pleasurable than my ex saying "you look pretty today." What, do I need a being of the opposite sex to tell me if I am beautiful? Do I wear what I wear to satiate HIS desires? Give me a break.
Women who digress from the submissive-dependent-girlfriend-maternal road and go on to chase their TRUE dreams (aka. not have a goon on their backs every day) tend to be happier on the long run; I got this conclusion from the many experiences that my friends share with me.
Sexual love is overrated. Love between families and true friends, however, is absolutely indispensable.
Posted by: olivia at February 5, 2009 06:47 PM