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February 07, 2009
Child-rearing - yet another long essay.
That little girl up there won over my heart like no one ever has, and I am so glad I will see her and her little brother next week when I make my trip to Vegas (ahhh 60 degree weather, YES). I love her love for the camera, I love her intellect, I love her paintings, her shyness, her little shrilly voice, her silly dance moves, everything.
I love photographing kids. Through the viewfinder I feel a wonderful surge of energy, imagination, love, curiosity that, sadly, cannot be captured in image. It's truly amazing, never thought I'd enjoy this so much.
But yet... Do I want to have children of my own? As I near my thirties and carry the weigh of generations of Puerto Rican women on my shoulders, I ponder my role as a woman in society. Are my thoughts brought upon tradition and expectation, or by a careful evolution of my own personality.
I do not believe having children is a human instinct. We can all agree that procreation is not always the purpose for which we engage in sexual intercourse. Though every species must ensure its longevity we humans are a bit more complicated than that. So WHY do we have kids? Is it because of tradition and expectation? Marriage - Car - House - Kids. The Next Logical Step. The Traditional American Cycle. Is it because it never occurred you NOT to have them?
Some may argue offspring is the final piece that will complete you. I have always argued an individual should complete his/her own self before giving their all to another person. You complete me sounds very romantic on film, but to my ears it sounds partly selfish, to need another person to feel whole, like a clutch. Back in my early twenties I would feel a strong desire to have a child. Now I realize my desire came from wanting to have somebody who would love me unconditionally. I quickly recognized this as a misguided reason to have a child. What WOULD be a correct reason to have a child, then, if any?
To provide the world an intelligent, responsible, leader of society? A noble reason, I must admit. But can't you do that yourself, instead of relying on the next generation to improve the state of the world? All parents have expectations for their children, but that's all it is, expectations. Force something unto them and it might backfire.
If you DO decide to raise a child, why not adopt one? Granted, the adoption process in the US is ridiculous. So instead of wanting to have that kid at age 24, why not wait ten more years and have enough money saved and credentials to finally adopt a child? Again, is it a misguided notion that your bloodline will end FOREVER?? I am a firm believer that bloodlines are created through the people we interact and form strong bonds with. For example, I have basically three grandmothers, one of them not being my real grandma at all (granpa's second wife), but I love this woman SO MUCH because she chose to treat us, and my mom, as if we were her own. The love this woman has shown us is... I cannot describe it into words (tears might explain more, really). Yet, my paternal grandmother denied us this love (my maternal grandma is AWESOME, she likes to drink beer and her chicken is DELISH). Not to mention my father lovingly abandoned us on my first day of kindergarten. See what I'm trying to explain? Blood, last names, family crests matter shit. Love, that's what really counts, it's what lasts.
Please don't tell me I'd be missing out on the FANTASTIC AND OUT OF THIS WORLD experience of child birth and motherhood, because I will shut that irrational argument down in 0.3 seconds. I have the skills to do so.
I don't want to continue listing hypothetical questions. Most of the possible futures I dream up for myself do not include a child. I've heard the age old When you meet the right man, then you will want to have kids. Hmm. I dunno. That kinda goes back to the whole You Complete Me thing. I can see myself married but to need a child to cement that love is a completely different issue and I am not sure it is the right one, either. But then again, oftentimes I still feel as if I'm 15 and the prospect of family is still SO FAR AWAY.
You may be noticing a streak of posts heavy on questions and philosophy and hardcore stuff like that lately on this blog. As a young, educated Puerto Rican woman it is tough to realize, that when you go back home, you have become a bit of an alien by not following traditional, pre-set, unquestionable expectations (OMG I'm 27 unmarried, single, childless, I MUST BE THE L3SBIANZ - rolls eyes). I also haven't had many shoots in the past month so I have an unnerving amount of free time on my hands.
Please do not interpret my views as a contempt and hatred towards individuals who have chosen to raise families. Nowhere near. In fact, I admire you all who are doing an excellent job at it. After all, my mother raised us, facing every possible obstacle, save for war and geographical dislocation, and I can only admire her for that. Last I heard, parenting is HARD. Like.. HARD. That being said, you mothers and fathers, I ask you... WHY did you decide to have children?
If the pregnancy was unplanned, WHY did you decide to keep the child?
If you are planning on having kids, WHY?
If you have decided NOT to have kids, then also, WHY?
And also, should we stop measuring our roles in society based on gender, and instead, view our collective achievements as HUMAN BEINGS (which is why I get SICK of hearing "oh the first black president, the first woman to... this and this and this". Yeah it's great to recognize achievements from "minorities" but let's not dwell TOO much on that, thanks)?
I do appreciate any and all answers, observations, ramblings, insults, cupcakes, the such. Bring it.
Posted by starmagn at February 7, 2009 03:24 AM
Comments
Fatherhood for me is the ultimate gift! I have learned more about myself, and how to be totally fulfilled by focusing my attention on those I love so dearly.
Don't get me wrong...parenting has its challenging moments. But those moments mean nothing when your child hugs your neck and simply wants your time and love in return.
I know what it is like to not have a child in the home, which is why I have made it a point to be thedadiwishihad to my children.
Posted by: Freddie at February 9, 2009 10:18 PM
Wow, that was some pretty deep stuff. Being Puerto Rican myself, I can totally understand where you are coming from as far as traditions. Any way you look at it, at the end it will be you who would be responsible for this child....FOREVER. So asking these questions and asking yourself if its right, is probably the smartest thing you can do for YOURSELF. Don't let society or traditions rule your decisions. Cause having children is hard, it's wonderful, it's challeging, it's rewarding...it's a lot of things all rolled up in a bundle of joy called "child[ren]." They do become the center once they are here....PERIOD. Life does change...DRAMATICALLY. Or as you mentioned about your mom...not with some obstacles in the way. My parents were married young, moved to Chicago for the American Dream and had kids. My brothers (2) and I were lucky to have had the love we had from our parents and family.
I, on the other hand, resented the "have to be married" conversation whenever possible. I hated the thought of being tied down because I had to. That being said, in 1997 I had an unplanned pregnancy with my "commom law partner" and my daughter Mialis was born (she is now 10)....she was later joined by a brother (Neo Angelo, 2 and Alisa, 1 (actually turns 1 today).
When I first found out about Mialis, I was scared...confused...and worried. Do I keep her? Do we get married because of the pregnancy? Do I really want this? Is this my only chance to have kids (I was 27 at the time). It was a list of endless questions that in the end was very simple for me. I just couldn't see myself not having her even if I didn't have all my answers lined up. I just couldn't go through any termination becasue I knew that would destroy my soul more than anything I had to give up. So we shacked up in a little apartment and became a family. Then 2 more in the last 3 years...YIKES! I would have never dreamed of having 3 kids...but here I am mother of 3. Happy and sleep deprived. :)
It goes back to going with the motions in life...having love in your life and just hoping I do right by them. My parents love having their grandkids and I have to say that I'm so happy they have their grandma and grandpa to spoil them....even if they are far away in Puerto Rico (Arroyo).
You do what's right for AMY...at the end of the day it's you who needs to be happy. [Did I talk forever or what!!! :P]
Posted by: Janet at February 12, 2009 01:24 PM
I want to be a mom because I feel like that is what I'm supposed to be. Not because society tells me to be one or anything, but because when I'm with kids, I feel this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction and content-ness. This is also why I want to be a teacher.
Posted by: Colleen at March 9, 2009 01:38 PM
I never wanted to be a mom. I had a horrible childhood- my own mother was less than loving. I was afraid I would be like her. well, I met a great guy- he was 10 years my senior, and wanted children. I didn't decide to have kids- I just decided to let it happen if it was going to happen. And now, 11 years after we got married, we have four children, 3 girls and 1 boy. Sometimes I feel like I know what I'm doing, and sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I worry that we had too many. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I not had any. The bottom line is, this is my experience- Everyone else has to carve out theier own.
Posted by: Rachel B. at April 7, 2009 08:17 PM